Something "I AM NOT"

My counselor and my therapist were talking and they thought it would be a good idea for me to continue writing my blog ... so, after they removed the restraints I said I would.  Negotiation is a very useful tool ....  I have been thinking lately about what I really, truly, am ... I have traveled back in time with my special machine... (My brain)... and am recording all the little things that have shaped the person that I know today as Jesse ... the good things and the bad things.  Some of the things that have shaped me are my own doing, my own choices, and some of the things that shape me are the actions and words of others and how I have chosen to let them shape me.

When I was a young boy others shaped me more easily than when I became a teen and it seems that as I grew older it became less of what others did and more of how I chose to let their actions and words shape me ...  If I agreed with what they said or did it shaped me ...  If I disagreed, it still shaped me ... but, I got to choose how it shaped me ... If I "reacted" in disagreement to their words and actions it shaped me negatively but, if I responded to their words and actions I shaped myself.  

For instance:  When I was young I was taught not to let people insult my Mom or my sister ... so it was illegal for people to say degrading things about my Mom, and my sister .. for the most part you could just look at the person who said something bad and say "hey, watch your mouth"... and everything was back to normal ... However, if they called your Mom or sister a "bitch" then you punched them in the mouth ... if they continued to insult your Mom or sister then you continued with the a fore mentioned method of communication until they stopped insulting your Mom or sister ... (remember this was before the invention or discovery of turrets syndrome ... interesting)  Therefore, throughout my jr. high and sr. high school life I had a few scuffles with others, who insulted my Mom or sister, that resulted in the ministry of the "laying on of hands" ... or fighting ... but, not just fighting ... "fighting to defend the honor of your Mom or your sister" ... now, remember that statement "not just fighting, ... fighting to defend the honor of your mother or sister" ... No one, absolutely no one, not one single person in my home town or that I grew up with would call me a "fighter" a few would say " well you better not call his mom or sister a bitch" ... but, even they would not call me a fighter.  However, as I have grown older and things have changed culturally so has the interpretation and application of this story.

I met the woman that has been my wife for almost 24 years 25 years ago ... I met the girl that is my daughter 19 years ago ... sometime between 1962 and 2009 "Bitch" became a word that you could use to describe anyone you want ... a few years ago before I realized that "Bitch" was actually a term of endearment and encouragement ... someone, who will always and forever remain nameless, called my daughter a bitch ... so I defended her honor by instructing the young man that he was out of bounds ... "Hey, watch your mouth" or as I put it "If, I did not know you, and I heard you speak to my daughter this way, I would rip your face off" ... and suddenly I was abusive and harsh and scary and mean and over the top and out of touch and threatening ... "Now for those of you who do not understand  "ripping ones face off" is a metaphor, it does not mean to go Jeffery Dalmer on someone ... I did not intend to really rip off some-ones face and throw it on the floor or carry it around ... what I was trying to communicate was "you are out of bounds", "this is not legal", "you are showing dishonor to my daughter" ... "my wife, my sister, my mom, your mom, your sister and all women" and "I am telling you to stop it right now".  Now, I tell this story to make a point or two or three... first: I reacted to this situation when I should have responded ... I reacted in a way that I was trained and instructed since I was a young boy and as a young boy was rewarded for protecting the honor of my Mom and sister and now my Wife and daughter ... That reaction is no longer acceptable... as an adult, a man, I needed to respond in a different way ... I would still have gotten my point across and would not have been tagged a scary, abusive, over the top, mean face ripper offer.  When I reacted I some how created the place for these untrue statements and energy to stick and shape a weaker me.  The weaker me tried to be okay with someone calling his daughter a bitch, the weaker me tried to choose peace over protection... I have noticed that when ever I react to the actions and words of others I create this space where their words, actions and energy stick.  When I respond, ... listen first, think second and slow to respond ... I get to shape me and their words, actons and energy has no place to stick or hang onto ... I think this is a spiritual thing  ...To respond is better than to react because a slow response lets you shape you and removes the space where negative words actions and energy stick.   Point 2: Now that I have been enlightened to the cultural changes of our time I understand that all men and women (equal rights) are okay with their wives and daughters being called bitches ... just the other day some friends and I were gathered around a new born baby girl saying "awe what a cute little bitch"... her little pink bitch p.j.'s ... look at her little bitch toes and bitch fingers ... is that little bitch bitchin for something to eat ... awww...  I dare anyone of you to look your little girl in the eyes right now and call her a "bitch" ... look her right in the eyes and let the word "bitch" role off your tongue and out of your mouth and into her clean mind and pure heart ... go ahead... if "bitch" means nothing why can't you do it... why can't you even think of doing it without cringing ...  (some of you want to punch me right in the pie hole for even suggesting such a horrible thing ... well good on ya!)  Point 3: I have the right to defend the honor of my wife and daughter and son, I am their dad.  I have been put on this earth to protect and provide for them and if you do not approve of this I have a spot reserved for your kissing.  I AM NOT a fighter... I am a defender. I AM NOT intimidating ... I am convicted that my family is worth standing up for.  I AM NOT abusive ... I am committed heart soul, mind and strength to my family and their right to be free from oppression and abuse and insult or anything and anyone that will keep them from becoming as great as I see them to be already.

That was one example of how someone elses words, actions and energy  and my reaction and or response shaped the person I was.  As a boy I was shaped ... then as a man I was shaped or reshaped and, today, I am choosing how I will let these words, actions and energy shape the man I want to be for my family today and in my future.  My future is my past modified... or kustomized.

That was one example "someone calling my mom and daughter a bitch" of how I have been shaped throughout my life in one area "my right to defend the honor of my family ... especially the women".  Which created all this emotion and contending and effort and opinion. ... Wow, who would have ever thought there was this much learning in life.

My Pharmacist says I should write about the other things in my life like my faith and my experience as a church leader, a business owner an artist and how words, actions, choice and energy can affect those areas as well.  If he gives me the medication I have requested then I will.  ... negotiation is a great tool.

  

Chapter 1 "In the beginning"

My therapist tells me that writing is good for me and will make my emotional/spiritual and physical me healthy so, I guess by the end of this book I should be in perfect health.  I love the idea of being healthy so I am going to do a really good and thorough job of writing out the events and adventures of my life in order to help me discover the way I want to live the rest of my life  So, lets get started.

I was born in 1962, in Cape Girardeau, Missouri at the Southeast Missouri Hospital.  My birth was complicated and both my mom and I nearly met Jesus first hand on April 21st.  You see I was backwards in the birthing process...(which helps explain a lot already) ... and if that's not enough I was all tangled up in my life support system ... (again, the story of my life and the reason I am a slow learner...poor oxygen to the brain).  Mom had been in labor for about a million years when the doctors finally decided they should perform an emergency C-section.  In 1962 a C-section was performed by a doctor who had experience with a chainsaw and a nurse who could run a backhoe... My poor mother ... growing up she would point to the scar on her belly and say "It wasn't easy, but, you were worth it".  On my birthday she would tell the story of how "We almost didn't make it but, look at us now"... and how She knew I was going to be fine when she saw me kicking and squirming in the incubator ... "You were a survivor" she would say.  (Cue music... "I will Survive")  You know what... my Mom is right.  "I am a survivor".  I wasn't even 7 days old and I had already cheated death once and that wouldn't be the last time.  I grew up believing I survived because I had a will to overcome... "Thanks Mom".

To be honest I still believe that.  I believe that as a newborn while surrounded by all the options of death ... I chose to live ... or maybe, just maybe, I was chosen to live.  Now, if I chose to live, then I was a very intelligent and powerful newborn with psychic powers who guided the doctors by my will and determination ... but, if I was that powerful and intelligent I would not have got lost in the birth canal ... it is a pretty straight shot ... and I would have arranged my life-line/feeding tube in a much more safe configuration ... You see the fact that I wanted to go butt first and wanted to use my umbilical cord as  a noose/bungee cord would suggest ... "I did not know what I was doing".  Therefore, I am left with the option that maybe I was chosen to live.  Obviously my Mom and Dad wanted me to live ... my big sister Karen wanted me to live and my big brother Jack wanted me to live (however, I think he would had changed his mind if he could have seen the future) ... but, they were afraid and mom was unconscious and close to death herself ... Imagine, one minute you are excited and happy to see your new baby boy and baby brother and the next minute you are given the certain possibility that they will die.    So, I am left to believe that a power much bigger than my family made this choice ... and I have always believed that.

So, from my birth experience I learned two things.  The first is " I believe I was chosen to be alive and on this planet by a power much bigger and stronger than my family, those who love me most and know me the best.  Second, "I believe that the difficulties of my birth and the fact that I lived through them planted, deep in my being, a fearless spirit that I can overcome any obstacle.  These two beliefs have encouraged me, provoked me, and comforted me.  These two beliefs have been reinforced, refined, relived and reaffirmed through out my life.  These two beliefs are mine ... they belong to me ... and I choose to take them with me.